


It's all right

by marginaliana



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Episode: c02e105 Rumble at Rumblecusp, Friendship, Gen, Rumblecusp is shit, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:00:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: After the feast Caduceus made stomach-soothing tea over the fire while trying, unsuccessfully, not to hate Rumblecusp.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay/Fjord (Unrequited)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 144





	It's all right

After the feast Caduceus made stomach-soothing tea over the fire while trying, unsuccessfully, not to hate Rumblecusp. He didn't like to hate places; they were the Wildmother's terrain, no matter how inhospitable. The island was certainly testing that determination, however.

At the other side of the dome Fjord and Jester were laughing about something – he couldn't make out what – and Yasha and Veth were laying out sleeping bags. Caleb was bent over his spell book. 

Beau was watching Fjord and Jester, but after a moment she turned away and came to sit beside Caduceus. He lifted his eyebrows at her, an invitation to speak, but she only watched his hand stirring the tea leaves gently through one breath, and the next, and the next.

"Caduceus," she said at last.

"Mmm?"

"It was a shitty day today."

Caduceus huffed out a laugh he didn't really feel. "Yes," he said. "You could say that."

"Probably worse tomorrow. We're probably all going to die."

"Yes." He hovered his palm above the water, testing its heat. "How are you doing?"

"How am—" Beau's face turned red, and then she paused and took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

Caduceus didn't quite know what he'd said to provoke that reaction, or what to do about it. "You did good with Jester, back there," he said, deciding to go for reassuring. "Real good. I know that was kind of heavy, but you did just fine."

Beau swallowed. "Thanks. But I didn't actually come over here for— what I mean is, how are _you_?" 

"Oh, I'm fine," Caduceus said, trying to make it light.

"Don't give me that, Cad," said Beau. She tilted her head towards the rest of the group – it was a vague enough gesture that he could let himself pretend he didn't know what she meant. 

"It was a hard day today," he said. He stirred again. "But I liked those pancakes. And tea will be good."

"For fuck's sake, you're more avoidant than Caleb," Beau said. "I'm not completely blind. I can see the look on your face when you're watching him."

Caduceus looked down and stirred the tea. After a moment, Beau's expression softened. "Sometimes people just don't—"

"I know," said Caduceus. He didn't want to hear her say it – cowardly, perhaps. It seemed like his moments of cowardice were more frequent these days. If the path he was on was a test from Melora, he suspected he was failing it.

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right."

Beau made a face. She didn't contradict him, but Caduceus knew her well enough to tell that she wasn't going to just let it go at that. When she started to speak again, he cut across it.

"What do you know about the Wildmother?" he asked.

"Um, not much," said Beau. "She's all about nature. She makes things grow."

"Nature isn't… kind," Caduceus said slowly. "It's about what _is_ – or at least what should be. Growth, yes, but death, too. You've heard me talk about that, but I don't know that you really understand." He flicked his eyes over to see if she was offended by that, but she only watched him. "Things are born, things die. Things eat and are eaten. A rabbit lives among grass and flowers and sunshine, and then is torn apart by a wolf's teeth, and it dies in terrible pain. That's what nature is."

"Caduceus—"

"I've been hers since I was born," Caduceus said. "Maybe before. I've always been hers. To be hers is to accept everything, joy and suffering, the joy made sweeter by the suffering."

"But then the suffering's worse because of the joy," Beau said sharply.

"Yes."

"That's stupid," said Beau.

"Could be," Caduceus said. "But that's how it works."

Beau's jaw was hard and stubborn, but she was silent for a long moment. "If you had the choice now," she asked carefully. "I mean, not having been hers since you were a… a fucking sperm or whatever. If she came to you right now and asked you. Would you choose her?"

His impulse was to say "yes, of course," but he bit it back. Beau deserved honesty, and so did the Wildmother. "I can't answer that," he said. "If I hadn't lived this life then I wouldn't be me. I'd be someone else, and I don't know what choice that person would make. Fjord chose her, so maybe I would, too."

"Fjord was escaping from an evil snaky asshole."

"Maybe I would've been, too." Caduceus could tell that she didn't like his answer. Still, it was the only one he had to give.

There was silence between them as Caduceus stirred one last time and then poured out two cups of tea. He handed one to Beau, who took it with a swipe of a hand. Caduceus winced; Beau loosened her grip on the cup and lifted it to her mouth.

"Careful," said Caduceus. "It'll be hot."

"No shit," said Beau, but she blew across the top of the liquid before she took a sip. "It's good," she said grudgingly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Caduceus drank his own tea slowly, watching as Yasha set down the pack she was holding and turned to face Veth, an intense expression of listening on her face. The sight made something warm flare in his stomach. Friendship was good. He wasn't in the middle of it, but that was okay. It was enough to know it existed.

"Sorry I punched you in the head," Beau muttered. "I'll try not to do it again."

_It's all right,_ Caduceus wanted to say, but he went with "Thank you" instead.

"I really would kill the Traveler for Jester. Can't solve your problem that way, though."

Caduceus snorted. "No." He closed his eyes briefly. "Sometimes problems can't be solved. But… you're here. That's pretty nice."

"Guess I'll stay a while, then," said Beau. She scooted a little closer and leaned her warm shoulder against his, and they sat without speaking until all the tea was gone.


End file.
